I made a decision

Tonight I made a big decision.  So big, in fact, I literally halted my yoga practice to get out my computer and write this.

I decided to put OffwhiteLiving to rest for good.  Yes, it’s time.

When I came back to it a couple months ago my intentions were in the right place, but my sense of purpose was not aligned with the focus of this blog.  When I really dig deep, I mean really deep, I am called to share my experience and wisdom about something that has been much more profound in my life than even wellness, kale, and yoga (can you imagine?).

Moving forward I’m directing my energy to writing about my experience with my father’s disability and what it is like having lived the last 20 years with a parent in a wheelchair with limited capacity.  While it may seem very non-sequitur to the  health and wellness endeavor I spend years on, it was actually the seed that started it all to begin with.

In my private journaling, prayer, and meditation, I ask the universe how I can be of service. What can I give to the world and how can I be a conduit of light? What does it look like if I am really brave – what comes forth?  For several years now, but especially in the past few months, that inner voice has been whispering to me to have the courage to  tell my story.  I have even had a few friends go through a major life event with their parents and I could see in their eyes what I went through at age 19- fear, confusing, feeling suddenly marginalized, hopeful, angry – all of it.  The whole hot mess of feelings that come when you are hit with a major event.  I realized that I could be of service and that what I have learned over the years, and continue to learn, might help somebody else feel less alone.

I can see that so much of my quest for healing, helping others discover and appreciate their health, and my own self-acceptance has stemmed from how I feel about my dad, our family dynamic, and navigating the world with a disabled family member. It has directed so much of my life, including things like where I got married (no beach – wheelchairs don’t roll well in sand) and what kind of house I bought (no raised foundation – wheelchairs don’t climb stairs well).  It’s an aspect of myself I have rarely spoken of, mostly out of embarrassment truthfully, and I realize now how much even I have marginalized that piece of my life when, in reality, it’s been the single most significant event of my life.  It needs to come out of the shadows now.   Ironically, I have absolutely no professional education or experience with this topic. But I do have something that might be much richer than that- a 20 year repertoire of stories, feelings, struggles and triumphs.

So, I hope that you’ll come with me on that journey and trust that at least some of what I have to offer is of use to you- family disabilities or not. Underneath the specific circumstances is the story of the human experience- ugly, amazing, imperfect and profound all at the same time.  I know that we can all relate to having to face our own vulnerabilities and adversities, mine just came in this particular package.

I don’t have a blog name just yet, so I’ll keep you posted. For now and probably for a while I’ll maintain my same email address: rebecca@offwhiteliving.com

Thank you to those of you still reading this blog and I send thanks into the ethers for those who have helped me so much along the way.

To explain the calling I feel within me to share my story I draw upon the wisdom of Patanjali and one of my most favorite quotes of all time:

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and your discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”