Today, while motoring down the I-80, the Boyz 2 men song “Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday” came on the radio. The station was asking for songs about your high school graduation, and some guy requested it as a memory to the Class of ’94, which is also my year.
Funny timing, because it was such a day of reflection for me. I attended my Nephew’s Kindergarten graduation at Pleasant Ridge Elementary, where I had gone to school. As I sat in the auditorium, 33 yrs old – a ‘grown up’, I rememberd what it was like to be a kid again. This tiny auditorium once seemed so big, and teachers seemed so powerful. School was a sanctuary for me as a child. My home life was littered with mixed messages, secrets, and confusion. School made sense to me. Friends made sense. Academics made sense. Sometimes it was the only place where the world seemed safe. Seeing those sweet faces walk up to the podiums today, proud and excited, made me just want to reach out and hug them and tell them that no matter what they are beautiful, loveable, and smart, especially my nephew (which I did, much to his chigrin).
I guess the reason I’m blogging this because today I got to go back to the place where Off-White really had it’s origins: My childhood. Just as school was a friendly escape from the things in life I couldn’t control, so was sugar. It started young for me: obsession on easter candy, spending my $3 allowance on candy, and just wanting to avoid my feelings, unless they were happy. It wasn’t until I was older that my emotional eating really took hold, but I know it all started with fears and unexpressed feelings I had as a kid. I guess that is why I latched on to academics so much and made that, along with my friends, my entire universe.
So today when I stood there as my 33-yr old self, I felt some sense of peace. I am not a scared child anymore. I have tools to help me cope and language to express what I tried to tuck away for so long. I felt like I’m actually OKAY. I am beautiful, loveable and smart.
And guess what, I was even able to pass up the COSTCO white frosting cake (those who know me know this is BIG). I simply felt okay in my own skin – the child and the woman in me all at once!
Thanks for listening bloggies!