BMW – the ultimate driving (me crazy) machine

Lately I’ve been taking my BMW for a spin more than I should.  What I’m talking about is the BMW in my brain: the Bitching, Moaning, and Whining.  Yes, it is the ultimate driving machine – of my neurosis!

Seems like I’ve been living in the problem a bit, and not in the solution…and what happens when I’m there: I get caught up into the desire to eat sugar, forget my responsibilities and become self-centered.

There is a reason I haven’t posted much in the past week – I’ve simply been self consumed.  LIving an Off-White life is all about personal accountability, responsibility, and balance.  Well, this week I none of the above.  I also saw a correlation between my attitude, my stress and my lack of self-care.  I ate too quickly, I did not give myself the simple pleasure of sitting at the table for dinner.  I did not connect with friends as much.  yada, yada, yada… get the idea.

What is it about the BMW’s of our minds that make the simple principles of self-care, especially with nutrition, so difficult.  Is it that I don’t feel worthy of good choices?  Is it because I see all the people in the TV and magazine Ads having so much fun with their junk food that I want to join in?  Is it simply that stress really does drive the need to just simple carbs, go into a food coma, and forget life.

I suppose the answer can be all three.  For me, the reason behind all the BMW moments was based in a fear of uncertainty.  I thrive on stability and control.  I like when things are the same, yet they never are.  So much is evolving in my life: career, residence, the role my husband plays in our life (grad student), financial insecurity… goes on and on.

Can anybody else relate?  I’m so interested in this human phenomenoa of wanting to neglect self in order to buy into fears and stress.  Yes, I get it that fears/stress are valid, but it never feels better  to give them all my power.

My hope is that I’ve done the footwork, prayer, and surrender over these issues, at least for now, and can get back to what I do love : blogging, connecting with friends, making healthy meals and being creative with food, and trusting that this evolution is absolutely perfect in its awkwardness.  Isn’t everything beautiful at one point awkward (I think of flowers opening for the first time, baby chicks with ugly patchwork down feathers, storm clouds that you can’t tell if rain is coming or not).  My biggest lesson to realize is that I am, and always will be, perfectly imperfect, and no amount of fantasizing about mile-high cheesecakes or donuts is going to change that truth.  For me, or for anybody else.

So, here are a few steps I’ve taken to get my mojo back;

1. Spend time with a friend on Sunday afternoon
2. Make some time for my husband on Sunday night after his trip out of town
3. Eat simply for 3 days: focus on 3 meals/day with the emphasis of these meals being fruits/veggies, and a lean protien.  No grains, and get off the dairy again.
4. Write in my journal
5. Post here, and be honest with myself and others about me
6. Look at websites of people I admire – ever reminding me to stay connected to my dreams and realize that nobody wakes up in one day with it all put together
7. Turn OFF THE TV – it is so demoralizing and food-tempting for me.
8. Go for a walk instead of a run on Saturday – gave myself permission to be in “flow” instead of force.