Today is my birthday.  Yep, 33 years of life behind me now and a WORLD ahead of me!

Truthfully, I really don’t like to celebrate my birthday.  I’ve had a history of some pretty crummy birthdays so I just like to lay low.

No such luck last night.  Our dear friend H., ever the social butterfly, organized a DUAL surprise party for myself and another fellow Virgo celebrating a birthday.

I was absolutely touched and surprised…not just at the gesture, but how much it meant to me to realize that I am already surrounded by a loving community here at Davis.  People took the time to come, share their evening, and acknowledge what is often a day I simply want to pass over.

Okay, here is the topper: H. knows I don’t eat cake, so he and his roomate J. made what just might be my new favorite treat:

Gluten free Macarons.  Yes, Macarons…. not macaroons.  Basically this is an almond based merengue filled with marscapone cheese, fig, and a touch of honey…. TOTALLY Off-White!  Wow!!  Sooooo cool 🙂

It was great to pass around a plate of macarons instead of a cake which just doesn’t work for me these days.  It was immensely thoughtful and creative.

Today also included some unexpected gifts, such as a wonderful AM bikeride and being treated to a home made breakfast by my love, Matt!

The cherry on top of this cake is that Matt’s gift to me was tix to a play and dinner at our FAVORITE restaurant ever, called The Kitchen.  More than that, seeing the look in his eyes when I squealed with delight upon opening, was PRICELESS.

Okay, so maybe my birthday luck is turning around  ………

If I can get my hands on the macaron recipe I’ll send it your way bloggies!

Dinner is done.  The food is put away.  I’ve had enough. ……but I want more.  There is just ‘something missing’ from my meal, and I can’t put my finger on it.   Nothing specific sounds good, but nothing really doesn‘t sound good either.

So, to help assure myself that this sensation is not just me, but is a human phenomenon, I turn to my loving husband, Matt, and say “do you ever have the feeling of being physically full, but just ‘want’ for something more?”.

His deadpan face stares back at me.  “No”.  Nose crinkles and eyebrows forrough as though he’s examining a foreign object.

I stare back.  “Liar”.

He laughs.

Am I too bold to say that men and women just connect food and mood differently?  I know with absolute FACT, fact I’ tell you, that Matt has indeed experience what I was just feeling….but to him it’s such an non-issue in his world that it jogs no memory.  He doesn’t begin cataloging what he eats and how much he eats in his mind after a day of not feeling satisfied with food.  He might just say to himself, “hmm.. I’d like some PB M&M’s – I think I’ll go get some”.  End of story.

The opposite is true of women (gross overstatement, I know).  We have bizarre, irrational judgemental thoughts about our bodies, what it means when we want food and aren’t hungry and what emotions may be driving us to just want to put foods in our mouth.  It can become a full time job just to manage those thoughts and feelings, right ladies?

I swear, sometimes I wish I was a man.  Never has my husband questioned his confidence because he felt ‘fat’ in his dress shirt and slacks (or that he’s made the connection with).  Even when weight issues and food issues sneak their way into the man’s life (and oh yes, those pot bellies don’t just show up with age fellas – that takes some effort too), they just don’t seem to spend as much mental energy on them.  Is this better or worse?

Flip side:  as a woman with food ‘issues’, these same issues that rule my brain at times are also a beautiful way for me to check in with how I feel.  When I want to eat for no reason I can say to myself… ‘hmm,  what is the deeper need here?’ and then I can go to fill THAT need, not the hand to mouth need.  Better or worse?

Maybe there is no better or worse, only different.  Maybe I can learn from Matt and his cavaliar approach to his body and diet.  And maybe he can learn from me – that the ‘coincidence’ of eating a super giant burrito after a stressful day is more than a pattern of convenience and might be a place to start uncovering those newfangled sensations called ‘feelings’.

Okay, I feel better now.  Maybe what I was hungry for was just to connect with my blog.

Today I had an interseting experience that brought to light the way I sometimes handle my body.

I was on a phone call in my house and the ‘low battery signal’ continued to make its appearance while I was making a call.  “Just a few more minutes”, I thought, and kept ignoring it.  Naturally, eventually the phone turned off and I HAD to deal with the low battery!

So it got me thinking: Why was I in such self-will about my cell phone that I refused to hear the signal until it go so serious that the phone shut down?  To be sure, this isn’ the end of my world, but the principle involved here is realy fascinating to me.

I look upon my life and think about how many times my body was sending me the warning signal: maybe feeling a little too tired to get up for that 5:30 am workout but I iddi it anyway, the bloatedness from eating foods that aren’t good for me, the little voice that says “No, don’t do X because you’re gonna feel like crap”, and yet I press ON!

The egoic mind is a baffling, cunning entity, indeed!  One one hand, self assurance and reliance is a powerful too for navigating life, but when it comes to the element of letting go of  ‘my way’ and trusting the signals before it’s too late, the ego is a real handicap.

The more I learn about myself and human nature, the more I can’t help but wonder if the real issue with people and food is this little thing called self-will.  We don’t want the foods we eat to have a negative impact, therefore we continue with our patterns until the warning lights go into overdrive and something shut’s down.  That shut down can be a heart attack, not fitting into your fat pants, getting caught binging on junk food and being utterly embarrassed, or whatever.  I’ve encountered many, MANY people who literally put their lives on hold because of their weight (vacations, jobs, sex) and yet their self-will is so immense that it keeps them trapped in a pattern of staying one step ahead of the warning lights.

My strategy to overcome this is to ‘listen from the neck down’ in my own body.  I recently read somewhere that over-eaters tend to be very cerebral and get very caught up in thought when they are eating, therefore they avoid listening to theri bodies.  I cant absolutely relate to that.  So my strategy is to ask my body what it is feeling, whether or not I am really hungry, and if so, for what.  In a nutshell: MINDFUL EATING.

So, my challenge is to bring this mindfulness into all aspects of my life.  That means letting go of judgements and expectations.  I had the expectation today that I could finish my phone call on my terms simply because I wanted it to be so.  Hmm…where else do I try and contrive the environment or outcome and in the process MISS a huge ‘win’ or opportunity b/c I’m too preoccupied with self will.

how about you bloggies ?  Can you relate, or is this offwhitegirl alone on the range here?